Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment
by Hoogiman
Summary: Join Snake on his quest to find Inner Fulfilment, body by body.
1. Snake, the Teacher

Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **Solid Snake is the property of Konami, and all other characters referenced are the property of Nintendo.

_**Chapter One**  
Snake, the Teacher_

_On Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment, he decides to take up the role of a major participant in life's humble everyday community: a teacher._

The school bell rung, which meant that it was time for the day's classes to commence. The children, who seemed to have conducted themselves in an orderly fashion into a straight line, marched into the classroom, and sat themselves down in their allocated desk.

"Ah," said the principal, a cheery pink puffball, "It seems that the class are eagerly awaiting their new teacher. I'll leave you to it!"

The principal, looking at the neatly assembled class, departed from the classroom.

"Good morning class," said Snake, in a fashion so cheerful it seemed almost out of character.

Said the class in unison, "Good morning-"

Silence shook the whole classroom. It seemed that the children had not yet been acquainted with the teacher.

"Just call me Snake," said Snake, in his usual low, growling sort of voice.

The children stared, in shock. A nervous child slowly raised his hand, trembling.

"B- but… S- S- Snake…" said the child, anxiously, "We normally call our teachers with a 'Mister' in front of their la- last name…"

"Well you're just going to have to start getting **USED **to it!" shouted Snake, banging his fist on the desk in front of him.

Snake noticed that all of the children were already deeply afraid of him. Trying to win back the class, he muttered, "Uh… sorry… I'm not really used to this teaching thing… uh… I was brought into the school at such a… peculiar time of year… what happened to your last teacher anyway?"

A young boy raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked Snake.

"Well… it was quite a tragedy…" said the young boy, sniffling, "She was abducted by an unidentified crazy gunman with a box over his head!"

Snake, suddenly alarmed, dashed out of the classroom, and closed the door behind him.

"_Oh no," thought Snake to himself, "I didn't mean to… well… well if I want to achieve in this search for inner fulfilment, I must tell the class the truth about their teacher. A man who achieves fulfilment is not a dishonest man."_

After collecting himself, Snake calmly walked back into the classroom.

"To tell you the truth, my class," said Snake, "Your teacher… your teacher is… your teacher is really… getting married… to a candy jellyfish… just getting… married! Yeah… she will be back soon! I promise!"

"Help!" said a muffled voice from Snake's abnormally large briefcase.

The class, shocked, stared at Snake.

"What's in the briefcase?" called out a young boy.

"Uh… not your teacher!" chuckled Snake, scratching his head.

"But I heard a noise!" said the boy.

"Well…" said Snake, "Uh… you can't ask anymore questions because you called out, and didn't raise your hand!"

"_Well that was too easy," thought Snake to himself, "Those young'uns are so naive!"_

Snake chuckled.

"Okay, anyway, can I have somebody give their talk on 'Frogs' to the class?" asked Snake, "Any volunteers?"

A nerdy-looking boy raised his arm confidently.

"Ah yes," said Snake, pointing at the boy, "Give us your talk."

The boy walked to the front of the classroom, bringing with him a large bulk of A4 sheets of paper. He stood still, staring Snake right in the eye.

"Start, you little **freak!**" said Snake, banging his fist on the desk.

"Uh… okay…" said the young boy, looking at his pieces of paper, "The frog is an amphibian in the order **Anura**, formerly referred to as _Salientia_. Adult frogs are categorised by long hind-"

"Stop," said Snake, impatiently.

The boy, grinning, looked at Snake. "So what mark do I get?" asked the boy eagerly.

Snake looked at the boy angrily, "Wow, for an eleven year old you are using some complicated words there…"

The boy grinned cheerily.

"In fact, I would even probably call you **a gifted student**!" said Snake in his over-sarcastic over-cheerful voice.

Snake snatched the papers.

"_Frog, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia,_" read Snake, blankly.

The boy suddenly looked nervous.

"Why are you **plagiarising from Wikipedia**?" screamed Snake, "Do you know that's against **the law?**"

"Sorry!" sobbed the child.

"That's not good enough!" screamed a psychotic Snake, frothing from the mouth, grabbing the boy by his collar.

Half of the class laughed, while the other half gasped in fear.

Snake, still holding the child, walked outside. He walked up to a locker and with the strength of his bare fists, ripped a combination lock off, and emptied the contents of the locker. He stuffed the child in the locker, closed the door, pulled a combination lock from his pocket, and locked the child in the locker.

"Heh, that's what you get for plagiarising," said Snake, brushing his hands together.

Snake walked into a shocked Kirby, who was looking at him in a worried state.

"Uh… Snake…" chuckled Kirby, "I think we need to talk…"

Kirby showed Snake into his office, and sat him down on a rather large leather chair that seemed to have been taken from an aeroplane.

"Uh… Snake…" said Kirby, the principal, "You do realise what you have done, right? Well, that's… against the law… so…"

The police came in.

"Mister Solid Snake," said a policeman, "You are under arrest for three charges of assault, one charge of kidnapping and one charge of disrupting normal order."

"_Well, a man who achieves inner fulfilment has to confront what crimes he has done,_" thought Snake to himself, just as the policeman were about to put handcuffs on him, "_But also… a man who achieves inner fulfilment will stand up for what is right, and will not be a coward! And I'm not a coward! And how dare they call me Mister!_"

Snake spontaneously elbowed the policeman in the face, jumped out of the window (breaking it), hijacked a car, and drove away.

"_It seems that maybe being a role model to the community isn't quite a way to achieve inner fulfilment,_" thought Snake, putting his foot down on the acceleration pedal, "_And I must keep being a good citizen and keep fighting for what is right!_"

Snake rammed a car in front of him, because they were going too slow.

**The End (of the chapter)**

Review, feedback is good!


	2. Snake on Primetime Television!

Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **Solid Snake is the property of Konami, and all other characters referenced are the property of Nintendo.

**_Chapter Two_**  
_Snake, on Primetime Television!_

_On Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment, he decides to go on a gameshow and donate his winnings to charity._

"Recording now!" said an all-blue cameraman, signalling to the producers who were sitting in an overhead room.

The lights dimmed as an upbeat pop jingle played through a set of large speakers.

"_Welcome to Jigglypuff's Extravagant Bonanza Gameshow! With your host, Jigglypuff!_" said a cringe-worthy overly echoed voice from a loudspeaker.

A group of middle-aged men and woman, armed with their young children sat in the audience, clapping enthusiastically. A colourful door opened, revealing a tiny pink puffball, equipped with a large red ribbon tied on her head. The applause heightened as the puffball walked through the room, waving to the audience.

"_Despite the tedious and irritating process that this will be," said Snake, leaning on his arm, looking bored, "At least everything I win here will go to charity!"_

"_Welcome to the Bonanza Gameshow!_" said Jigglypuff, cheerfully, jumping up on a stool so she could be situated higher than the podium in front of her. "_We have four lovely contestants here today!_"

The audience applauded, only because there was a man on the side who was holding up large cue cards.

"_Please get on with it before I hurt someone…" thought Snake to himself, "Oh wait… somebody who would have achieved inner fulfilment wouldn't really hurt anyone… so I really mean that in the figurative… joking sort of sense!"_

Snake chuckled to himself, putting his gun back into its holster.

"_We have our first contestant, Mike, who is a policeman!_" said Jigglypuff.

"Hi," said the geeky-looking man, wearing a striped, untucked shirt.

"_Eaten many doughnuts today?_" laughed Jigglypuff.

The audience roared with surprisingly authentic laughter.

"Actually, no I haven't," replied the man angrily, "I enforce tax laws, so I investigate anyone who hasn't paid their taxes!"

A few nervous shifty-looking businessmen promptly left the audience, and ran out of the studio.

"_Well… uh… I probably wouldn't want you to investigate into us guys!_" said Jigglypuff, chuckling nervously.

The audience laughed again, as a few people applauded softly.

"Actually… that's the main reason I'm here!" said the policeman in a way that nobody could be too sure if it was a joke or not.

"_Well… on the off chance that you're not joking…_" said Jigglypuff, pressing a red 'security' button.

A couple of Psyducks waddled in, picked up the policeman and waddled off to a dark room. He screamed all of the way.

"_Uh… so anyway… do you people know how the format works?_" said Jigglypuff, taking some cards, and straightening them out. "_Well… it's simple… I ask you questions, and if you get a question right, you win ten thousand dollars! It's so simple!_"

The audience applauded, because the producers of the show were so kind.

"_And if you answer a question wrong then you get publicly humiliated by painful embarrassing torture,_" mumbled Jigglypuff very quickly.

…

"_Let's play!_" said Jigglypuff.

The audience cheered.

"_Our first contestant is Bill, who is a computer technician!_" said Jigglypuff, "_For ten thousand dollars, how long does it take for food to go through the digestive system? A- Less than a minute, B- a minute to five minutes, or C- two to five hours?_"

"Easy," laughed the bearded man, "The answer is C, two to five hours! Heh, I'm ten thousand dollars richer!"

"_Bill… guess what?_" asked Jigglypuff, smiling, "_You were… wrong! The answer to: 'How long does it take for food to go through the digestive system of **a cow** is: A! Haha! You lose!_"

The audience roared with laughter.

"That's unfair!" replied the man.

"_If only you thought more laterally!_" laughed Jigglypuff.

"I will sue you! I will sue you so much that I will get my money!" said the man angrily.

Jigglypuff pressed a button that caused a giant cage to fall on top of the man.

"Let me out please," said the man, "I promise I won't sue!"

Jigglypuff stared at the man.

"_If she lets me out, I will sue her!_" cackled the man evilly.

Contrary to what the man hoped, Jigglypuff did not let the man out.

"Curses," said the man.

"_Now for our second contestant, Ben!_" said Jigglypuff. "_What country was Jackie Chan born in?_"

"Uh…" replied the contestant, scratching his head, "China?"

"_Wrong!_" laughed Jigglypuff, pressing a button that caused a gigantic buzzing sound to play.

The audience laughed.

"_We are of course referring to, Jackie Chan, a podiatrist in Minnesota! You lose! No money for you!" _said Jigglypuff.

"That's unfair!" protested the contestant, "I thought you were referring to the celebrity Jackie Chan!"

"_Well you have to think more laterally!'_ teased Jigglypuff.

"I'm calling my lawy-"

"_Not if you're stuck!" _Jigglypuff pressed a button that caused a cage to land on top of the contestant. The audience laughed.

"_And now for our last contestant, Solid Snake!_" said Jigglypuff.

The audience clapped enthusiastically.

"_What do you do for a living?"_ questioned Jigglypuff in a friendly voice. _"Are you a doughnut eater as well?"_

The audience laughed.

"Actually, I'm an assassin," laughed Snake.

Dead silence erupted through the audience.

"No, no, I'm just kidding," laughed Snake. "I'm a special operations unit guy."

Silence.

"I'm not an assassin!" said Snake angrily. "I'm an agent, not an assassin!"

Silence.

"DO ANY OF YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR? WILL I HAVE TO START HITTING PEOPLE SOON?" screamed Snake manically, frothing from the mouth.

The audience gave a nervous heckle.

"Heh, heh," said Jigglypuff, making sure there was a ten metre gap between her and Snake.

Snake, confused, gave the audience the same look as someone would give if they read in the newspaper that a walrus became elected into parliament.

"_Okay Snake, your first question!_" said Jigglypuff, "_If I was in Berlin, what country would I be in?"_

"You would be in North Dakota in the United States of America," said Snake.

The upbeat 'You are correct' tune played over the large speakers.

Jigglypuff gasped, "_Uh… you're not correct!_"

"Then why are all of those streamers coming from the roof?" asked Snake.

"_Because we're celebrating you getting it incorrect!_" laughed Jigglypuff nervously.

Snake glared at Jigglypuff.

"_Fine, you're correct,_" said Jigglypuff angrily, "_But how did you know? I mean, you're the only contestant in the history of the show to answer a question correct!_"

"The producers are residents of the town, hence the question choice. And plus, they gave me these complimentary stickers!" said Snake, pointing to the smiling producers.

"_But uh…"_ said Jigglypuff nervously, _"We don't actually have ten thousand dollars to give out… I mean… the aim of the game is to have fun getting questions wrong… like Mike over there!"_

Jigglypuff pointed to Mike's dead body.

"_I mean… uh…"_ said Jigglypuff, _"Like Ben over there!"_

Snake sighed. "Okay, I won't take the money…"

"_Anyway, can't you say you won the show and you had a moral victory, instead of a cash prize?" _asked Jigglypuff.

"I guess," said Snake, "A man who achieves inner fulfilment is not one who is completely prosperous, he does not jump at every opportunity to get rich, he may still have some wealth, but he cannot have so much wealth that he feels unhappy. With this, that man must give to-"

"_Yadda yadda,_" said Jigglypuff impatiently, _"If I had the money I would pay you, I really would want to pay you Snake, and you know that-"_

About ninety thousand dollars in cash fell out of Jigglypuff's pockets, slowly filling the floor in a comedic way.

"_Uh… that's emergency money…" _Jigglypuff chuckled.

Snake looked angrily at Jigglypuff. "You lied to me?"

"_Well," _chuckled Jigglypuff, _"There's a perfectly simple-"_

Snake started to foam at the mouth, breathing heavily.

"_Okay, maybe I'll give you the-"_

Snake picked up Jigglypuff by the hand, and started to laugh manically.

"_Fine then! Here's your stinkin' lousy ten thousand dollars!"_

Snake started to form a puddle of drool.

"_Do you want the money or not?"_ asked Jigglypuff impatiently.

Snake's eyes gradually enlarged.

"_Uh…"_

**The End (of the chapter)**

Review, feedback is good! Yes, I do realise this chapter was rather strange.


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